The author, a valedictorian of Columbine in 2000, proudly stood at her graduation ceremony.
It has been 25 years since the tragic incident at Columbine High School, and I must admit, none of us have fully recovered. The impact of that shooting still lingers, and it continues to affect us deeply.
My heart aches for the countless individuals who will tragically fall victim to mass shootings in the next 25 years, as well as the communities that have yet to experience the anguish and sorrow that come with the anniversaries of such traumatic events. Being a survivor of a mass shooting myself, this 25-year milestone takes me back to that fateful day on April 20, 1999, and serves as a stark reminder of the ways in which we have fallen short, both then and now, in protecting and supporting the children of our nation in the aftermath of such tragedies.
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“Take cover!”
I was standing in line at the food counter in the crowded cafeteria of my school when I heard a yell from behind me. It startled me, and I turned around to see what was happening. To my surprise, I saw a boy running through the room, shouting at the top of his lungs. The chaos that followed was overwhelming, as hundreds of my classmates quickly dropped to the floor and took cover under the lunch tables. Without exchanging a word, my friend and I instinctively crouched down as well, trying to make sense of the situation.
Curiosity consumed me as I pondered the commotion. The sudden sprint and exclamation from the young boy perplexed me, leaving me to assume it was nothing more than a mischievous act orchestrated by the seniors. With spring in full bloom and graduation just around the corner, such pranks were not uncommon during this time of year.
I never thought of it as a school shooting.
As a student at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, I found myself in a state of unawareness while kneeling on the cafeteria floor. Little did I know that just outside the school, two boys were inflicting harm upon our fellow students. My thoughts were consumed by the upcoming English class and the essay that was due. Oblivious to the chaos unfolding around me, I casually tossed my backpack onto a nearby table where my friends were gathered.
Little did I know that I wouldn’t be returning to class that day, or even to Columbine until the following school year. It never crossed my mind that it would be months before I laid eyes on my beloved backpack again. The uncertainty of who would be taken from us, who would be left injured or paralyzed, was overwhelming. I couldn’t fathom the permanent impact that this event would have on my life, the lives of my friends, and schools all across the nation.
In the span of 25 years, I have reached a point of hesitant acknowledgment. I now acknowledge that we reside in a nation where gun violence has become the prevailing reality. It is a reality where any one of us could potentially fall victim to a shooting incident, be it in a cafeteria, classroom, workplace, church, theater, grocery store, shopping center, concert venue, bar, salon, park, small business, parade, and the list goes on. Regrettably, I have come to accept the fact that safety is an elusive concept in our lives.
Shortly after everyone in the cafeteria had taken cover on the floor, I spotted my friend making his way towards us. He maneuvered through the tables, chairs, and people, bending over and moving on his knees. He reached me in no time.
“What’s happening?” I whispered, straining to see through the windows that stretched across the far side of the cafeteria. Only the vibrant sky of a pleasant spring day greeted my gaze.
“I glanced out the window,” he recounted, his gaze locked with mine. “To my shock, I witnessed someone wielding a gun.” The gravity in his expression left no room for doubt; this was not a mischievous scheme. And then, he revealed the name of the individual carrying the weapon—a person familiar to both of us. A person I had once considered a close ally.”
A memorial was established near Columbine High School to honor the victims of the tragic 1999 shooting.
The impact of Columbine on my life has been significant. Unfortunately, after just six months of therapy, the funding for mental health services for survivors of the tragedy came to an end. Looking back, it is clear that this was not nearly enough support. It was a year and a half after the shooting when I started college, and my anxiety was so severe that it affected my ability to sleep and breathe. It was an overwhelming feeling that made me believe I was on the brink of death.
Being a writer was always my dream, but it became difficult to fulfill that dream when the story I yearned to share was trapped within me. Similarly, I longed to be an artist, but it proved challenging to create when the themes I wished to explore resided in a dark and painful place within me. Experiencing violence at a young age stripped away my sense of a future and made it arduous to tap into my talents.
Having experienced such unimaginable trauma at a young age, I attempted to carry on with life as if nothing had happened. However, over the course of many years, I came to the realization that there is no quick fix or return to how things were before. It’s not a comfortable narrative for others to accept that we can’t simply “get over it” or go back to normal. Society, including the media and those in positions of power, often presents trauma as a catalyst for strength and resilience, but that is far from the truth.
Would we continue to allow this to persist if we truly grasped the profound and enduring impact that trauma has on an individual’s life? Would we still believe that such experiences automatically make people stronger, more resilient, and more determined?
There have been many studies conducted on the impacts of gun violence, particularly mass shootings. However, I believe that these studies only provide a glimpse into the true extent of the devastation experienced by individuals and communities affected by such trauma. From personal observation, I have witnessed how the effects of gun violence permeate every aspect of a survivor’s life. It affects our relationships, our ability to maintain employment and financial stability, our productivity, and even our susceptibility to addiction, chronic illness, mental health issues, and suicidal thoughts. Despite this overwhelming evidence, minimal action has been taken to address this pressing issue.
This nation is unwilling to address this issue. It prefers to keep survivors in a state of stagnation, keeping them down and preventing them from speaking out. It is truly disheartening to hear the same offensive messages every time a new mass shooting occurs. Instead of taking action, politicians and leaders offer empty “thoughts and prayers” and claim that it is not the right time to address the problem of guns in this country. What could be more oppressive than the way survivors of tragedies like Newtown and Parkland are treated? They are met with disbelief, harassment, and even threats, some of which come from individuals within our own government.
It is quite perplexing that some individuals would prefer to create intricate conspiracy theories rather than taking action to bring about meaningful change. It is truly disheartening to witness a mindset that denies the occurrence of mass murders involving innocent children, instead of facing the harsh reality of living in a society where such tragedies can unfold within the confines of a school.
For far too long, we have overlooked the gravity of this issue, resulting in firearms becoming the leading cause of death among children. Nowadays, children are being taught the same survival tactics we once learned – to duck, remain silent, and avoid drawing attention to themselves – as if it were a basic life skill like tying shoelaces or solving math problems. By normalizing mass shootings, we are instilling a sense of terror into the minds of future generations. This reality is truly chilling.
A month following the tragic events at Columbine, President Bill Clinton and then-first lady Hillary Clinton visited our school to address the devastating incident. I vividly recall their impassioned discussion about the urgent need to prevent such incidents from recurring, emphasizing the importance of sparing future generations from experiencing the horrors we had recently endured.
In our country, we diligently take action when a door plug falls off a plane, resulting in the grounding of hundreds of planes and a thorough investigation. Similarly, if it is suspected that a car battery could potentially cause a fire, millions of vehicles are immediately recalled. Even when a batch of lettuce is not processed correctly, we swiftly remove it from the shelves and the FDA issues a warning. It is evident that we have established regulatory systems and protocols for ensuring safety in various areas, except when it comes to guns. Surprisingly, while we have a national hotline for suicide prevention, there is no equivalent mechanism for reporting individuals who may pose a threat of becoming mass murderers. This begs the question: why do we persistently fail to do better?
In 2024, the author experienced a significant event.
If we had recognized the severity of mass shootings 25 years ago, how many children would still be with us today? How many families would still have their loved ones? How much more bloodshed is necessary before we finally take action? Will our society ever truly empathize with the victims?
I have my doubts, but instead, I am taking action to support people and empower them in a country where these shootings have become normalized. I have discovered my voice and have become an advocate for trauma survivors by sharing my personal experience and teaching safety skills. Through sharing my story, I have realized that it is a powerful way to connect with others who have also experienced tragedy and grief.
Whenever I share my experience, I struggle to convey the conclusion of my story. I understand that people are eager to hear tales of resilience and triumph over trauma. However, believing in such narratives can lead to complacency. It is essential to acknowledge that there are no easy happy endings for individuals like me and the countless others affected by gun violence. Despite my unwavering dedication to sharing my story and my optimism that it can drive change, I worry that it may not be sufficient. I fear that unless you are personally confronted by the overwhelming and raw grief that engulfs you when a mass shooting occurs in your vicinity, you may not truly care.
It’s been 25 years since that day I was kneeling on the cafeteria floor, and we still haven’t made enough of an effort to bring about change. Why do I believe this?
Columbine should have marked the end of mass shootings in America.
