Departing U.S. House Member Reflects on Soul-Crushing Experience and Expresses Relief in Leaving

Lawmakers can’t wait to leave the U.S. Capitol, with its beautiful backdrop of blossoming cherry trees.

Republican lawmakers in the U.S. House of Representatives are making a swift exit.

Two-term Kansas Representative, Jake LaTurner, made headlines on Thursday when he announced his retirement at the end of the year. At the age of 36, LaTurner joins the ranks of other notable Republican Representatives, including Mike Gallagher of Wisconsin, Ken Buck of Colorado, and Patrick McHenry of North Carolina, who have either chosen not to run or have resigned immediately. According to a report from Axios, nearly 20 House GOP members have made the decision to leave the chamber without concrete plans.

When politicians decide to leave their positions, it is natural for them to provide an explanation for their departure. In order to assist these individuals, I have taken the initiative to create a standard explanation that can be used by any politician who wishes to abandon the “increasingly chaotic” chamber. This template can serve as a helpful guide for those seeking to communicate their reasons for leaving.

To my dear friends and voters from my home state, and especially to those generous donors who contributed significantly to my election campaign, I extend my heartfelt gratitude.

With a heavy heart, I am saddened to announce that I will not seek re-election for my cherished congressional seat. Serving the incredible, inspiring, and vibrant communities of Wisconsin or Colorado or Kansas has been an absolute privilege. It is precisely why I chose to work in Washington, D.C., in order to distance myself from the less-than-desirable aspects of these areas.

During my two-year stay in Washington, D.C., my mind was constantly consumed with thoughts of my beloved home state of Wisconsin, Colorado, or North Carolina. I found solace in the fact that I was far away from those places, and it brought me a sense of relief and contentment.

Unfortunately, it is time for me to bid farewell to the prestigious U.S. Capitol. Well, scratch that thought. I’ll most likely find myself back within those halls sooner or later, but this time as a highly influential lobbyist, earning a substantial income while putting in less effort.

Some people may argue that the current gridlock and dysfunction in Congress can be attributed to the narrow margin and controversial statements made by certain Republican lawmakers, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, and myself. However, this assumption is completely unfounded. Despite our differing viewpoints, I have a great rapport with these individuals and greatly appreciate their unique perspectives. Of course, I do prefer to keep a safe distance and have security guards present during our encounters, just to be on the safe side.

I prefer to allocate more time to be with my spouse. It could be spending quality time with my spouse and young children, or my spouse and teenage children, or even my spouse and grandchildren. Alternatively, I may simply desire to spend more time with my mistress and enjoy my possessions.

When reflecting on my proudest accomplishments, one that stands out is the time I attentively listened to Rep. Greene’s lengthy discussion about lasers without succumbing to the urge to throw my drink at her. It may seem like a small feat, but I consider it a display of self-control and respect. Additionally, I consistently voted in alignment with the directives of the speaker of the House, regardless of whether it was Mike Johnson, Kevin McCarthy, or any other temporary occupant of that role. Upholding their authority and providing unwavering support was an important aspect of my legislative work.

We have always strived to prioritize the welfare of Kansans, Coloradans, and Wisconsinites. For instance, we deliberately delayed providing aid to Ukraine for an extended period, which allowed Russian President Vladimir Putin to gain ground. This achievement fills me with immense pride. Similarly, we successfully thwarted an immigration compromise with the Democrats in the Senate, solely driven by political motives. Let us celebrate our accomplishments!

Rest assured, there is no need to worry. There is a possibility that we may fail to prioritize and pass crucial bills before my tenure comes to an end.

I must acknowledge the significant influence of the Big G, our esteemed leader and facilitator who enables all of this. Just kidding (unless you’re reading this, Mr. President). In reality, I am referring to Yahweh, the divine being responsible for the creation of our world. Yahweh has always guided me, except for that one time when he proposed that I run for office amidst a period of intense political division and potential dangers to our nation.

Naturally, now we shift our focus to the potential successor. I am eager to assist whoever takes over the role of representing North Carolina, Kansas, or Colorado in any way I can. Of course, it is important that the successor belongs to the Republican party and refrains from discussing space lasers.

Furthermore, the individual who assumes my position will undoubtedly experience immense difficulty and feel their spirit being crushed on a daily basis due to the overwhelming horrors that plague this environment.

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MBS Staff
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