Celia Rivenbark brings us weekend humor: Alabama politicians and judges are unnecessarily trying to fix things that are working just fine

Alabama: Making Misery for No Good Reason

In my previous suggestion of Texas seceding, I may have been a bit hasty. It turns out there’s another state that is determined to make life miserable for its residents without any valid justification. This state is none other than Alabama.

Alabama, the state that brought us the eccentricity of “Crazy in Alabama” starring Melanie Griffith, has once again made headlines with its unique political scene. The recent election of Tommy Tuberville, known for his controversial stance on “Take Your Fertilized Egg to Work Day,” has left many surprised. Who would have thought that Alabama would continue to be a hub of unexpected political narratives?

I used to think Tuberville was the least intelligent person from Alabama. But then the state Supreme Court surprised me with their recent decision. Allow me to explain.

To give credit where it’s due, some parts of Alabama are undeniably charming (Fairhope, I’m looking at you). It is also worth mentioning that “Southern Living” magazine, to which I have been a subscriber since I was a young reader, calls Alabama its home. However, when it comes to eccentricity, Alabama seems to be living up to the saying: “In the South, we don’t conceal our eccentric relatives; we proudly showcase them on the front porch, or in this case, the U.S. Senate, for everyone to witness!”

Tuberville, as you may remember, is the ex-football coach responsible for obstructing 400 military jobs last year. He took this action as a protest against the Pentagon’s perceived liberal policy on abortion and reproductive health. Even Tuberville’s fellow Republicans grew tired of his antics. His behavior not only infuriated the majority of the country but also caused considerable disruption in the lives of military families.

The current IVF debacle is even more absurd than the previous one, as the Alabama Supreme Court has now declared that fertilized embryos created through in vitro fertilization are to be considered as children. This ruling implies that these embryos cannot be discarded under any circumstances, as doing so could lead to charges of “wrongful death,” which may not be classified as murder, but certainly doesn’t paint a positive picture.

Legal scholars consider the new legislation designed to protect IVF and shield parents and doctors from prosecution as a mere Band-Aid, despite attempts to downplay its significance.

The court referred to the frozen embryos as “extrauterine children,” which, in my opinion, is the most unappealing name for a T-ball team.

Frozen embryos, although technically “alive,” are unable to develop or grow in their frozen state. They lack the ability to engage in physical activities like catching a football or engage in intellectual pursuits such as explaining the origin of phrases like “Roll Tide.” They also do not possess the capability to keep track of their visits to Cracker Barrel with a push-pin map.

Many individuals who have stored their embryos in Alabama facilities are wondering if the recent court ruling allows them to claim their extrauterine children as legal dependents on their taxes. Personally, I find this question fascinating and completely logical. Surprisingly, the Alabama Supreme Court has yet to address this matter, leading one to wonder if they have misplaced their Magic 8 Ball.

I also wonder if you can “borrow” your surrogate child for a day in order to board your flight in Zone 1. If they tell you that Zone 1 is only for families with infants, you could simply open your cooler and say, “Don’t pay attention to that mean lady, little Atticus! You are indeed a real baby!”

The Alabama Supreme Court seemingly overlooked the tremendous benefits of IVF for couples struggling to conceive. Instead, they may have pondered on ways to complicate matters and inflict lasting damage, immense stress, and financial strain on these hopeful parents.

It’s not surprising that those familiar with Tommy Tuberville’s history of making foolish remarks would expect him to be confused when asked about the court’s ruling.

He initially expressed his full support for it, but later stated that we should have “more children.” However, once he was informed that numerous Alabama IVF clinics were closing down due to this, he admitted that his thoughts are often muddled and inconsistent. He compared his state of mind to rice pudding and thumb tacks, acknowledging that he is unsure of what he is saying most of the time.

Perhaps not the final one, but at least he would be honest at last.

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MBS Staff
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